Why Are We Still Color-Struck

I came across an article in the NY Times a few weeks ago that featured a picture of the ever-lightening Sammy Sosa. Have you noticed that over the past few years Sosa has gone from a rich mocha-brown complexion to a pale, sallow pink? According to the NY Times article, Sosa used a cream to ‘soften’ his skin but it also bleached it. Really Sammy, really?

The article said “creams that offer lighter skin may also bring risks.” Doggone right it does. In addition to the risk of thinner, more sensitive skin, it brings the risk of perpetual ignorance. Lightening your skin perpetuates the same slave mentality that ‘light is right’ and ‘black is whack’. I really thought that line of thinking was played out. Clearly, it isn’t.

Remember when the New Yorker published a front page political caricature of Mrs. Obama as a militant, fist bumping, black panther-like, AK47-toting mama? If her complexion had been more like that of Alicia Keys, would she have been portrayed as such? Just curious... And what about President Obama? I've heard men (usually darker-skinned black men) say that if he had been darker, he never would have been elected. Think about that. If Barack Obama's complexion looked more like Wesley Snipes, would white people have felt comfortable voting for him? Probably not, huh? But what about black people? Would the espresso Barack have had to work twice as hard as the cafe' au lait Barack to get the black vote? Clearly, America, both white and black, is still color struck.

Unfortunately, it is us darker-skinned people who perpetuate that 'light is right' school of thought by altering our looks to comply with this Anglo standard of beauty. Now, Michelle and Barack Obama have not (as far as we know), but Sammy Sosa, Lil Kim, Vivica A. Fox and millions of other unnamed people have.

Here's the problem, we have been so brainwashed by our pasts as slaves and images in the media, that we now think the lighter we are, the more accepted we are. When actually, the more comfortable we are with who we are, the more accepted we are. Read that sentence again and think about it.

Back in slavery times, the house slaves were treated far better than the field hands. They also had a tendency to be lighter. The conclusion was drawn that house slaves were treated better because of their lighter complexion. This caused a great divide among the slaves on the plantation widely based on skin tone. While the field slaves got scraps, poorer living conditions and more frequent whippings, the house slaves got better food, better clothes, better housing and more respect. But the real reason house slaves were treated better was not because of the fairness of their skin, but because they were probably Massa’s children. And quite naturally, people treat their own a little better than they do others. (Is your light bulb going off?)

Needless to say, the better treatment of house Negros caused a chasm among the slaves; a chasm that still exists today even after the ‘Black is Beautiful’ and fist-pumping ‘Black Power’ rally cries of the 60’s and 70’s. And now today, we are resorting to harsh skin-lightening, nose jobs, relaxers, weaves and wigs trying to be something we are not; trying to be more like them and less like us. Why can’t we just be happy with who we are? Round noses, kinky hair, rich deep skin hues and all.

On Monday, January 18th, many of us observed Martin Luther King Jr. Day. It has been almost 50 years since King delivered his famous “I Have Dream” speech in which he fancied a world in which people were judged on the content of their character and not the color of their skin. Forty-seven years later, we still are not there.

Instead of working to build a more positive character, we are changing the color of our skin. What if instead of fighting for equality, King just lightened his skin so he could be more accepted? What if instead of marching, he just got a relaxer and a thinner nose? Don’t you see, when you change your features to match the world, you are not changing the world… just the world’s response to you. That may make things a little easier for you, but it does nothing for your children and others like you.

My challenge to you is to take bold defining steps to change the world, instead of merely changing yourself to be of world. (And I guess I can do the same since someone had no problem pointing out to me that I probably wasn't born with this golden blond hair.)

Wise up dark-skinned people. Accept and love yourself for who you are. The rest of the world will follow.

Why Tiger Owes the World an Apology

Tiger shouldn’t apologize; he doesn’t owe us anything.
Tiger Woods does not owe us an apology.
Even with his indiscretions, Tiger doesn’t owe us anything.

Lies!

Those are all headlines from well-known sports columnists and other social bloggers. And to them in all their infinite wisdom, I again say, lies!

Here’s the problem I have with all the people who say that Tiger’s affairs are nobody’s business but his and his wife’s. They are basing their opinion on the premise that the only person affected by Tigers indiscretions was his wife. When Tiger cheated on his wife, he hurt and betrayed more than just Elin. He hurt and betrayed his children; his mother and father (even in his death); her mother and father; his friends; her friends; his acquaintances; her acquaintances; everyone who sang his praises; everyone who believed the façade he portrayed.

And Tiger is a public figure, whether he wants to be or not. His business partners paid him millions of dollars for him to be an appropriate, responsible representation of their brands. If it were widely known that Tiger was a womanizer, having indiscriminate and seemingly random sex, do you think Nike would have used him as their front man? What about Gatorade? And Buick? After having collectively paid him billions of dollars, are you telling me this is only between Tiger and his wife? Lies!

And what about his employees? What about the people who worked for his foundation? What about the people who volunteered with his foundation? Are you telling me they were not impacted by Tiger’s affairs? Are you telling me they don’t deserve an apology? Wake up and help yourself to a huge slice of humble pie!

This is what I think. Those of you who feel that Tiger doesn’t owe anyone an apology but his wife probably have wronged the people in your own life in some significant way. You’re probably a cheater too and was too arrogant to apologize to everyone who deserved an apology. If Tiger had failed to offer an apology, that would have validated your own arrogance and irresponsibility; you would have felt a level of solidarity with him; he would have been initiated into the ‘boys club’. But the fact that he did apologize should have shamed you into acknowledging your own shortcomings. But rather than rethinking your actions, you argued that he shouldn’t have apologized. Don’t hate because Tiger was man enough to apologize and you weren’t.

Now, while you are still being held in bondage by your arrogance, Tiger has made the first step in a gallant way to making amends with the people whom he has offended. Now he can pick up the pieces of his shattered ‘golden boy’ persona and start to move on.

Speaking of moving on, that’s the other reason Tiger owes us all an apology… because he felt he does.

Ok, here’s something about me. I have a very sharp tongue. I know it is hard to believe but I have been known to slice and dice people’s feelings up in a matter of seconds and not even blink an eye. Today, the older and wiser Teowonna is a little slower to offend and a lot quicker to apologize. Wanna know why? Because I am no match for my conscience; it wins every time. After a couple of rounds of black eyes, I learned that the quicker I sincerely apologize, the quicker I felt free to resume life without the burden of guilt. There were times in which I apologized even when the other person did not feel offended. I apologized because my actions and my words offended me; offended God. I imagine that’s how Tiger felt. He apologized because he had to.

Here’s something else about apologizing, when you apologize, it forces you to humble down long enough to feel the pain you caused other people. Remember how pitiful Tiger looked as he gazed into the eyes of the people who love and respected him? Do you think he ever truly felt their pain the way he felt it right then? His mother hugged him after the press conference, but did you notice that she never even looked at him during the entire 14-minute speech? Oh yeah, he owed more than Elin an apology.

And one more thing. If the rehab program that Tiger is in is worth its weight in peanuts, apologizing to those you have wronged is a requirement. The primary benefit of coming clean is not just for the people you offended, but for you, the offender.

So, I suggest you rethink your standing. Does Tiger owe us an apology? You better believe he does. But not for our benefit; for his.

Does He See You

Last week, I finally made it to see the blockbuster movie, Avatar. If you don't have the time or inclination (in other words, money) to go see it, take my advice and just do it. It will be well worth it because Avatar is the type of movie that you MUST see at the theatre.

There’s one part in the movie in which Jack Sully says to his alien-like love interest Neytiri, “I see you.” Of course he sees her. I mean, she’s standing right there in front of him. But that’s not what he meant. He meant, “I see you; I feel you; you are as much of a part of me as this heart that beats inside of my chest.” Although I saw that line coming from a mile away, it nevertheless had a significant impact on me.

While I was driving home in silence after the movie, I couldn’t help but think back to a past relationship that I admit, took me for a bit of a spin. That was one guy that I thought really saw me. But here, years later, it is clear that he didn’t. When a man sees you, he will do what Jack Sully did… give up the things that are comfortable and familiar to him to make things work with you. Now I know Avatar is just a movie; a fairy tale, no less. But the overall message still rings true. When a man really sees you, he will move mountains. I’ve seen it happen. How many men do you know who were living the life… I mean parties, women, fun, rock and roll… only to let it all go when he met her.

Sometimes it’s a struggle to let go of old things that are not conducive to a new positive relationship. But when he finally meets her, it’s not that much of a struggle after all. It just becomes a necessary step to do what he knows he has to do; which is be with her.

But when a man does not see you, there are always reasons and excuses for not ending other relationships, for not coming home; for not calling; for not keeping his word. When he doesn’t see you, there is nothing you can do to make him see you. In short, if you ain't the one, you just ain't the one.

On February 18, I will be a guest on the BlogTalkRadio show, The Black Authors Network Radio Show. I will be a part of a panel of five who will discuss a topic that many of my blogs posts are centered around: The State of African American Family and Culture. I will be the only panelist who is not a published author. But we all know, I am a writer and I definitely have something to say the subject. In researching the other guests to get an understanding of their points of view, I came across Kim Brooks’ Web site. Kim is a licensed minister and an author who has a passion for single Christians. On her site, she has a number of blog posts that caught my eye. But there was one paragraph buried within her posts that made me see things in a way that I never have before. In talking about God’s creation of Eve for Adam, Kim wrote:

As you read the text, you’ll notice that it was God’s idea to create a help meet for Adam, and not Adam’s (Gen. 2:18). God presented Adam with his mate, and Adam recognized who she was. Also notice that God did the presenting, and He knew exactly what Adam wanted (physical attraction) and needed (help).

The moment I read the second sentence in the paragraph, the years that I’d spent in a fog over my past relationship all of a sudden became crystal clear. This is what I surmised from Kim’s interpretation of the passage and what I read for myself: When God presented Adam with Eve, Adam recognized who she was, his mate. No one had to tell Adam that she was for him. Eve didn’t have to help Adam see it; she didn’t have to compete for his attention and affection. Adam just knew for himself that Eve was made for him and there was no one else (literally and figuratively). I also realized that perhaps the reason I had been so conflicted during my past relationship was because he did not recognize me as his mate. When I say recognize me, I don’t mean ‘acknowledge’ me as his mate. What I mean is, he didn’t see me as his mate; he didn’t see that I was his mate. And if he didn’t see that I was his mate, then perhaps, I was not his mate. And that would mean, he was not mine; I just wanted him to be.

“Ding” went the light bulb as it went off in my head.

I released a long sigh as I marveled at the freedom, relief and peace that I felt at that very moment; the freedom to release myself from the internal anguish that I had carried far too long; the relief in knowing that I am not the one that God has selected for him; and the peace in knowing that God has selected me for someone. I just have to wait for him to see me.

And when he does see me, it won’t be a chore to relinquish old strongholds; it will just be something that has to be done in order to more forward in the destiny that God has laid out for him… for us.

So ladies, that man that your heart desires so; the one who said he would come but didn’t; the one who acts like he’s ready to move forward but keeps one foot in his old life, ask yourself: does he see me? If the answer is ‘no’, I want you to know that it’s ok. You just are not ‘the one’. And that means, neither is he.

Do Black People Still Have Something to Prove?

Last Friday, I was privileged enough to attend the opening night of Black Eagles, a stage play written by Leslie Lee and produced by Twin Productions . The play, which was held at the Patriot Hall Performing Arts Center in Sumter, SC, sang the praises of the Tuskegee Airmen. I say I was privileged to attend the event because in addition to the performance of 12 fine community theatre actors, was a real life Black Eagle, Leroy Bowman. Mr. Bowman still lives in Sumter and I was honored to be in his presence. I wish more people had been there to witness the tribute that was paid to him.

We all know the story of the Tuskegee Airman, right? In case you don’t: the Tuskegee Airmen were the first African American military aviators in the United States armed forces. During World War II, blacks in many U.S. states were still subject to Jim Crow laws. The American military itself was racially segregated. As a result, the Tuskegee Airmen were subject to racial discrimination, both within and outside the Army. Despite these adversities, they flew with distinction. The Tuskegee Airmen were particularly successful in their missions as bomber escorts in Europe.

The play was featured three actors who portrayed aging Tuskegee Airman who reminisced about the 'good old days' and how they overcame the common thought that black airman were not capable of being military aviators. Throughout the play, there was a common thought that guided the young airman’s actions… they were not only representing themselves in their endeavors to integrate the US Army Air Corp; they were also representing their families, their communities and the entire black race. They had to prove to white people that they were just as good, smart and capable as they were. As a result of carrying the burden of an entire race on people on their shoulders, they had to try harder, study longer and be better. Their resolve was tougher; their work ethic was stronger. They did all this because they had to prove that black men could pilot fighter jets just as well as white men. In doing that, it would prove that black people were good enough. In fact, one of the characters exclaimed to a fellow flyer who had been slacking off, “Man, this just isn’t about you. We are doing this for our families; our communities; for all black people!” Wow. That’s a lot for one black airman to bear.

That line reminded me of stories my mother told me about her youth. She told me how important public presentation was. So much so, that her home economics class in school was more like a finishing school. Their teacher didn’t only teach them how to run a house, she also taught them how to enter and exit a room; how to dress appropriately. Basically, how to be a lady. My mother told me that when she and her sisters left the house, they had to be ‘girdled down’, because they could not be seen in public with their bodies shaking and wiggling all over the place. That would have reinforced white people’s thoughts that black women were loose, unkempt and not respectable. When she walked out of the house, she didn’t only represent herself, but her entire family, as well as the entire race of black people. That’s a lot for one woman to bear.

I’m sure many older black people have tons of stories just like this; how they had to go above and beyond just to prove that we, as a race, were good enough. My question to you is: do black people as a race still have something to prove?

I don’t think so. My theory is that we have effectively assimilated into the culture of white America to the point that individually, we no longer feel we represent the race. We only represent ourselves now. That eases the burden on our young people today, but I contend that as a race, we are suffering as a result.

When we had to work twice as hard to get opportunities, we cherished the opportunities more. And as a result of the opportunity, we worked harder to prove to the world that we are good employees and we deserved the opportunities. Now that employment opportunities are more equal than ever before, our work ethic has diminished significantly. We go to work late and do less work while we are there… if we go to work at all. If we perform poorly or get fired, no longer does it look bad on the entire race of people. It only speaks to the kind of person we, as individuals, are. That’s a good thing, right? I’m not so sure. Now, it is a lot easier to be a slacker because there is no pressure from the race to be a good representation of us all.

When young girls leave the house now, they use little to no discretion about their dress. Whereas my mother took extra care not to allow her body to jiggle inappropriately, young girls today seems to wear as little as possible and the most non-restraining fabrics that actually facilitate the jiggle. The more the jiggle, the better. If young girls represented the entire race of people with every step, would they wear Lycra and spandex, or something a little more controlling?

You know, I think we all will agree that as a race, integration was a major step to the empowerment and betterment black people. But seeing the camaraderie and the desire to prove the world wrong about our race that the Black Eagles play displayed, I must wonder if integration is really all that it cracked up to be. Because now that we have proven that we are just as good, we are also proving that we can be just as bad.

Columbia Event Breakdown: The 2010 AKA Pink Ice Gala

One word: Bravo! What more can I say? On Friday night, the Gamma Nu Chapter of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Incorporated managed to present another exquisite affair that brought out Columbia’s most noted citizens, as well as, the just-as-fabulous lesser-knowns.

I was truly fascinated by the parade of youthful, buff-shouldered, bronzed back-baring beauties that strutted unabashedly down the red carpet, as well as, the refined elegance of the more mature ladies in their sequined gowns and authentic mink coats. No faux fur for them!

I, somehow, fell in the middle of the two generations of ladies… not young enough to brazenly dash around the room disregarding decorum and proper presentation, and not old enough to sit elegantly aside and turn all the fun over to the younger ladies. So what do I do? Make an appropriate number of well-executed runway twirls with Pink Ice aficionado and radio talk show host, Cynthia Hardy.

First item on the ‘must do’ list: the food line, of course. I sashayed to the buffet service table and put a minimal amount of food on my plate. I couldn’t stand the risk of getting an unsightly stomach bulge; thus ruining my silhouette in my perfectly-suited backless black dress. Never that!

The food, which was catered by the Brookland Banquet and Conference Center was good. (Since the catering was overseen by the church, which is under the covenant of the Lord, I’d better just leave it at that!)

Next item on the agenda, pictures. As the ladies of OnPoint! (Cynthia , Laura Elam and I) made our way through the crowd looking for a photographer, we were disappointed when we found none. So we ended up taking cell phone pictures by the backdrop at front entrance.

After I settled into the event and was able to see beyond the glam, I noted a few things that would have made the event feel more grand and formal. Like a chandelier. When I looked above, there was no chandelier. How wonderful it would have been to be twirled underneath a chandelier in a grand ballroom. I know the Pink Ice turns out more than 2500 people every year and it’s hard to find a venue in Columbia, other than the Canty Building at the SC State Fairground, large enough to accommodate that many people. But I really would have felt like Princess Tiana (complete with my new $125 rhinestone slippers) if I could have gotten a twirl under a crystal chandelier by my prince charming of a date.

It also would have been great to see more men in tuxedos. I admit there’s no way I could have seen every one of those fine men at the ball, but I only recall seeing a handful of men (more like three) in traditional tuxedos. Since the women were exquisitely dressed in everything from pink and green tutu-like dresses to fully sequined black gowns, I wish the men had dressed with the same enthusiasm as the women.

Ok. So the food was ok; there was no photographer that I saw; no chandelier and limited men in tuxedos. Why was this event such a hit? Simple. The Finesse Band and the sisterhood of the AKA’s.

The Finesse Band was absolutely wonderful. Lead singer, Eric Mayweather, keyboardist Byron Counts, guitarist and band leader Terrance Young and the other band members sang old school and new school better than I’ve ever heard before. They played the perfect mix of Frankie Beverly and Maze for the swingers, slow jams for the lovers, Motown for the older crowd and line dance music for the unaccompanied. Their entertainment factor contributed to the success of this event more than any other single component.

And now, the AKA’s. Since I’m a Sigma Gamma Rho, I’m well aware of this Greek superiority complex that AKA’s typically have. And every other Greek sorority will agree with me when I say, its all in their minds. But when you can a throw a gala affair like this year after year, I can see why their egos are so grand!

During the second half of the evening, I strolled around the room for my final mix and mingle. Who did we see? Roll call: I saw old boyfriends with their new women (who clearly don’t hold a candle to me). I saw old girlfriends with their new men (who nearly were glowing like candles). I also saw Congressmen and school board officials; radio personalities and talk show hosts. I saw doctors and lawyers; mayoral candidates and book authors. But mostly what I saw was scores of beautiful, well-dressed people, exquisitely adorned with broad smiles on their faces. People just like you and me who don’t always have a reason to get dressed up in formal attire.

That’s what the AKA’s do so wonderfully year after year… give everyone a reason to brave threats of ice and snow, to get their hair did and their nails done; to visit a professional make-up artist; to buy $125 rhinestone shoes; to break out the dress they bought years ago, just waiting for the perfect occasion to wear it. That’s why this event has come to be the premier event in Columbia, SC.

Kudos go out to the Gamma Nu Chapter of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority, Inc and especially Jolanda Hardy, who hosted the BOMB table. You ladies rock!

Upcoming events that will get the break down are: Beat to Hip with Amiri Baraka, on Friday, February 12 at USC’s Swearingen Engineering Center and Tyler Perry’s Madea’s Big Happy Family on Saturday, February 13 at the Colonial Center.