Mo'Nique: The Actress Who Can't Pretend

Last week, the brother of comedienne and award-winning actress, Mo'Nique, admitted to Oprah and the world that he molested his younger sister. The abuse started when she was only seven years old and continued for more than a year.

I watched the show with awe and familiarity. Mo'Nique's story is one that is shared by millions of girls and boys. The disturbing and sad story of the youngest and weakest being molested, touched, raped by someone they admire and look up to; the sad story of being crept up upon by someone with whom you share blood; the humiliating story of the perpetrator being allowed back into the family without being chastised or ostracized; the demeaning story of being forced to live as if nothing ever happened.

During the show, I was struck by something Mo'Nique's father kept questioning. He asked, "What happened?" He said he thought they had resumed life as a regular family. And now, out of nowhere, these old wounds were opened back up. I guess to him, it seemed that old family skeleton had found its way out of the closet. Mo'Nique's father was genuinely confused. He thought they had dealt with her abuse years ago… so where did all of this come from? Why now?

Well, Daddy Imes, I will tell you. The reason Mo'Nique is sharing her story now is because she doesn't have to pretend anymore. It's just that simple… she doesn't have to pretend that everything is ok. Mo'Nique feels comfortable and secure in herself and her life that she doesn't have to 'go along to get along'.

Why now, you ask Daddy Imes. Well, sir, not only does Mo'Nique feel she doesn't have to pretend anymore, she can't pretend anymore.

Mo'Nique said during her interview with Barbara Walters that after she had given birth to her twins, her brother visited them in the hospital. She explained the moment she decided that she couldn't pretend anymore. She said, "and he held one of the twins. And at that moment, I had a conversation with my brother. And we have not spoken since then." Like I said, not only doesn't Mo'Nique have to pretend anymore, she can't pretend anymore.

I know how Monique feels. I understand when you reach a point in your life that you feel you no longer have to pretend. When I was about 12 or 13, I was inappropriately touched by a male relative. He was not a boy a few years older than me; he was a grown ass man feeling me up… someone who knew better. This time, I will spare you the details of the repeated molestation but suffice it to say, while it was not to the extent of Mo'Nique's abuse, it was violation none the less.

Like Mo'Nique, I managed to put that unfortunate period of my life aside and moved on. To everyone looking at me, I was a well-adjusted teenager, young adult, woman. (In my eyes, I was super teenager, super young adult, super woman!) But then when it came to my sexual being, there were things I never allowed boyfriends, and later my husband, to do to me… things that were 'supposed' to be pleasurable. But to me, it felt like violation, like disgust. And I never knew why... until it all came crashing down on me in a book club meeting. During the discussion of a book about sexual abuse, everything suddenly became clear. It was an emotional revelation, but I later recognized it as a freeing revelation. So, that's why I didn't like this; that's why I couldn't stand to be touched there; that's why my husband couldn't do that to me. That's why. That revelation was freedom.

I recall going home back to North Myrtle Beach and seeing the person who touched me when I was younger. There was a point in which I'd sit down and have a conversation just like nothing had ever happened. Then, there came a point in my life in which I just didn't have to pretend anymore. I didn't have to say 'hello'. I didn't have to be polite. I wasn't angry… I just didn't have to pretend anymore. I was a grown woman with a career, and a husband, and a good life. I just didn't have to pretend anymore.

So you see, Daddy Imes, years may have passed and your family carried on as if nothing had ever happened. But when Mo'Nique became an adult and felt safe and secure in herself, she realized that she didn't have to pretend anymore. And the moment Gerald Imes picked up her child, she realized, she couldn't pretend anymore. Maybe you and the rest of the family should stop pretending too.

The Power of Mild Admonishment

Tiger and Nike are back! Instead of abandoning the man when he was down, Nike stood by Tiger’s side. And I’m glad they did. The release of their latest bold, collaborative advertising effort showed that advertising doesn’t have to be pretty, bright, and cheery to be effective.


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Pure advertising genius. Without a doubt the absolute best piece of advertising that I have seen in years! The mere fact that every blogger and his mama were talking about Tiger’s and Nike comeback commercial proves the ad’s effectiveness.

I’ve read a number of fb posts and blogs that all but dogged Nike’s effort. Black bloggers were the worst. One of my fb friends said: “It’s awful. Allowing frigging slave-wage paying Nike to pimp his daddy."

What? Pimp his daddy? Exactly commercial what were you looking at?

Part of what makes this ad so effective is that it would have been easy for Nike make yet another boring, fist-pumping, golf ball balancing television commercial. Instead, they attacked the Tiger Wood controversy head on. Courageous and ingenious. If Nike had come out with the syrupy-sweet commercials of the past, it would have been construed as out of touch; insulting even. Instead, they used the voice of Tiger’s father and mentor, Earl Woods, to connect to Tiger in a way no one else ever could.

This commercial was like full-frontal nudity for Tiger. The grainy, black and white image of him looking at the camera dead-on is the picture of a man staring at his own soul. The stoic image of Tiger, absent of his dazzling smile and flawless complexion, coupled with his father's calm, almost silent admonishment, decreased Tiger to his most basic form... nothing more than a man. A man… a son… a child; each of whom had disappointed his father.

When a child does something wrong, parents sometimes act out of anger. This may lead to physical punishment. I am a proponent of spankings, whippings, beatings… whatever you want to call it. Talking works to a certain extent. After a while, for some children, it takes a little more than talking. (If you don’t agree, that’s fine. That’s why this blog is called That Teowonna!)

But when a child reaches a certain age and level of maturity, the moral infractions they commit bring about disappointment more than anger. That’s when a calm admonishing becomes much more effective than a physical spanking.

On the commercial, Tiger received a very mildly spoken, yet effective dressing down by his father. A dressing down appeals to your integrity more-so than your physical being. Spankings affect the physical; dressings down impacts your spirit. If you have any integrity at all, a dressing down can actually be worse than a physical punishment.

Here’s the thing with admonishment and dressing down… anyone that you respect can effectively admonish you. I recall an incident when I was a senior in high school in which my first cousin, Travis, effectively dressed me down in a way that I will never forget. And he did so without even saying a word.

It was spring time and my friends, classmates and I would go to a young adult dance club called Freeman’s. We used to have a ball at Freeman’s… it was all about dancing and having a good time.

One Saturday night, the club was having a shortest shorts contest. The lady with the shortest shorts would win a hundred dollars. Say what? Strut some short-short and win a hundred bucks? I was down for that. Easy money. Or so I thought.

The day of the contest, I cut off my best pair of jeans and made them into daisy dukes. Not only that, to give them a little extra bling, I decorated them in colored rhinestones. They were cute! (Just like my little 17-year old self!)

When time came for the contest, I ran into the bathroom and changed into my daisy dukes. The music started and they called for all the girls to come to the floor. I rushed onto the floor to be the first girl in the spotlight. I strutted around, like I was in a high school beauty pageant. Little did I know, they weren’t interested in my poise; they were interested in my dancing… dirty dancing… freaky dancing… the kind that girls do at Freak-Nic, Daytona and Black Biker’s Week.

Well, that was NOT gonna happen with me, because That Teowonna! was not that kind of girl! I was a party girl, but I wasn't a freak. So, I kept it simple and did something like the butterfly or Atlanta Jam. Needless to say, they moved on to the next girl rather quickly. One of my classmates was up after me. She was more than happy to give them a show. And give them a show she did! She really worked it. I just stood aside and watched. Then one of the guys said to me, “Don’t let her outdo you!” So, I returned to the floor and started to imitate the movements that my classmate was doing. I had to show her that That Teowonna! would not be outdone.

Just as I my behind was nearing the floor as I was preparing to ‘drop it like it was hot’, I glanced up and saw my cousin’s eyes staring down at me. He just looked at me and shook his head.

And that’s all it took. I came back to myself. Before my butt could ‘get low’, I stopped mid-squat and just walked off the floor. In an instant, my cousin had admonished me with nothing more than a look of shame and disappointment.

Ever since that day, I’ve tried to make sure that I am never pressured to compete against another woman, especially for a title that I wouldn’t be proud to wear. I bet Trav doesn’t know the impact that night had on making That Teowonna! the lady she is today.

Just as Trav’s silent admonishment put me on the right track the being the woman that I am today, I hope Earl Wood’s calm admonishment through Nike’s commercial will help Tiger return to the man he was raised to be.