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Does He See You

Last week, I finally made it to see the blockbuster movie, Avatar. If you don't have the time or inclination (in other words, money) to go see it, take my advice and just do it. It will be well worth it because Avatar is the type of movie that you MUST see at the theatre.

There’s one part in the movie in which Jack Sully says to his alien-like love interest Neytiri, “I see you.” Of course he sees her. I mean, she’s standing right there in front of him. But that’s not what he meant. He meant, “I see you; I feel you; you are as much of a part of me as this heart that beats inside of my chest.” Although I saw that line coming from a mile away, it nevertheless had a significant impact on me.

While I was driving home in silence after the movie, I couldn’t help but think back to a past relationship that I admit, took me for a bit of a spin. That was one guy that I thought really saw me. But here, years later, it is clear that he didn’t. When a man sees you, he will do what Jack Sully did… give up the things that are comfortable and familiar to him to make things work with you. Now I know Avatar is just a movie; a fairy tale, no less. But the overall message still rings true. When a man really sees you, he will move mountains. I’ve seen it happen. How many men do you know who were living the life… I mean parties, women, fun, rock and roll… only to let it all go when he met her.

Sometimes it’s a struggle to let go of old things that are not conducive to a new positive relationship. But when he finally meets her, it’s not that much of a struggle after all. It just becomes a necessary step to do what he knows he has to do; which is be with her.

But when a man does not see you, there are always reasons and excuses for not ending other relationships, for not coming home; for not calling; for not keeping his word. When he doesn’t see you, there is nothing you can do to make him see you. In short, if you ain't the one, you just ain't the one.

On February 18, I will be a guest on the BlogTalkRadio show, The Black Authors Network Radio Show. I will be a part of a panel of five who will discuss a topic that many of my blogs posts are centered around: The State of African American Family and Culture. I will be the only panelist who is not a published author. But we all know, I am a writer and I definitely have something to say the subject. In researching the other guests to get an understanding of their points of view, I came across Kim Brooks’ Web site. Kim is a licensed minister and an author who has a passion for single Christians. On her site, she has a number of blog posts that caught my eye. But there was one paragraph buried within her posts that made me see things in a way that I never have before. In talking about God’s creation of Eve for Adam, Kim wrote:

As you read the text, you’ll notice that it was God’s idea to create a help meet for Adam, and not Adam’s (Gen. 2:18). God presented Adam with his mate, and Adam recognized who she was. Also notice that God did the presenting, and He knew exactly what Adam wanted (physical attraction) and needed (help).

The moment I read the second sentence in the paragraph, the years that I’d spent in a fog over my past relationship all of a sudden became crystal clear. This is what I surmised from Kim’s interpretation of the passage and what I read for myself: When God presented Adam with Eve, Adam recognized who she was, his mate. No one had to tell Adam that she was for him. Eve didn’t have to help Adam see it; she didn’t have to compete for his attention and affection. Adam just knew for himself that Eve was made for him and there was no one else (literally and figuratively). I also realized that perhaps the reason I had been so conflicted during my past relationship was because he did not recognize me as his mate. When I say recognize me, I don’t mean ‘acknowledge’ me as his mate. What I mean is, he didn’t see me as his mate; he didn’t see that I was his mate. And if he didn’t see that I was his mate, then perhaps, I was not his mate. And that would mean, he was not mine; I just wanted him to be.

“Ding” went the light bulb as it went off in my head.

I released a long sigh as I marveled at the freedom, relief and peace that I felt at that very moment; the freedom to release myself from the internal anguish that I had carried far too long; the relief in knowing that I am not the one that God has selected for him; and the peace in knowing that God has selected me for someone. I just have to wait for him to see me.

And when he does see me, it won’t be a chore to relinquish old strongholds; it will just be something that has to be done in order to more forward in the destiny that God has laid out for him… for us.

So ladies, that man that your heart desires so; the one who said he would come but didn’t; the one who acts like he’s ready to move forward but keeps one foot in his old life, ask yourself: does he see me? If the answer is ‘no’, I want you to know that it’s ok. You just are not ‘the one’. And that means, neither is he. Edit


Sometimes men and women make it hard to be seen. We hide who we are behind what we have or what we do. We try to control who you see.

A bigger problem is we don't know how to look anymore - we look with a worldly eye. The things we should be looking for have become less important, hidden behind materialistic and physical things.

As a man, I longed to see a woman but too often, it doesn't appear many women want to be seen. There is so much unimportant things that I have to wade through before I can see the real woman behind the "stuff." I'm not pointing fingers, men do it too.

Eve was comfortable in her womanhood and Adam was secure in his manhood.

In the movie, he saw her because he was looking and she wanted to be seen. They both had to grow to that moment.

To see - one must be looking.
To be seen - one must be revealed. Delete Reply

Wow Derek! Very insightful. I guess we (men and women) have the same challenges... we are more alike than different, when you get down to it. Delete Reply

Amen! Derek!
My Girl Teowanna yet again hits the nail on the head. May I add to it - the Bible says "he who finds a wife finds a good thing..." Proverbs 18:22 (yes, I'm quoting Scripture - for those who take offense). I remember hearing (can't remember the author) that the woman basically had nothing to do with it. "he who finds a wife"... not she. Of course the woman may not be willing. But when it all works to the greater good between man and woman - nothing more beautiful!I guess it speaks to the particular man's mindset. If he wants you, he'll let the other stuff go and come to get you. Period.
By the way, seems to me (from reading your blog) you and Mr. Derek seem quite compatible. If both are single - are you willing to check that? I'm just saying.... Delete Reply

Another great blog Tee. I feel like i know that, like intellectually, I know that but you articulated it in a way that gave me an 'aha' moment. Now, to weed out the ones that think they see you when you clearly don't see them... Delete Reply

Around The Way Girl: That's precisely the reason I do what I do... in hopes that when I 'get it' I can share it with someone else in a way that they will too! Thanks for reading. Delete Reply

Anonymous/Cupid: Wow. Talk about calling folks out. Teowonna and I will have to get back to you on that one. To be continued... Delete Reply

Teowonna, WOW..Girlfriend that is the key! You have just opened the door to Gods plan for our lives. See as the sister anonymous said before me so eloquently he who FINDETH a wife finds a good thing…Key word findeth….Also, it is about us preparing ourselves, aligning ourselves up with the plan that the Lord has for our lives and walking into his purpose for our lives…Then all these other things will fall into place. Well said, well said, well said!! Delete Reply

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