The Three Types of Men, according to That Teowonna!

Men behaving badly... in the news again. This time it is Tiger Woods. I tried to wait to post my Tiger Woods blog after some of the media and opinion hoopla settled down. But now that the number of women Tiger allegedly had an affair with has risen from three to six, I figured I’d go ahead and join to rest of the bloggers and render my opinion on this earth-shattering revelation.

Earth-shattering, you ask? Yes, earth-shattering. Earth-shattering to his wife and children. Earth-shattering to my 80-year old white friend who can’t believe ‘her boy’ would do that. (After all, he has a beautiful wife and two wonderful children.) "His little pee-pee just got confused," she said.

This Tiger Woods realization is not earth-shattering for many of us, but it is definitely disheartening to know that even the men that we thought were good examples are proving to be nothing more than typical… ordinary. Yes, I know, I know… Tiger Woods is just human; he is not perfect. But since when does being human have to mean being a man whore? Does imperfection make it acceptable to cheat on your wife and children? Oh yes, he betrayed his children just as much as he did his wife. Speaking for women and children everywhere: Can we please have a man/father that we can believe in? Is that too much to ask?

OK… enough of my personal Tiger Woods ranting. Here is my theory. There are three types of men when it comes to fidelity. The Driver, The Rescue Wood and The Putter. I’m sure you know, are or love one of these guys.

The Driver
Definition: In a set of golf clubs, the driver gets all the fanfare. The driver is the club that is usually used to tee off with. Therefore, there is much pomp and circumstance surrounding the almighty tee shot. In the tee box, that’s when the men and boys are separated. Some hit it long but to the right or left. Some hit it straight, but not long. A true golf aficionado hits is straight and long. The driver and the tee shot are all about show… all about ego; just like driver men. The man who is a driver is so full of himself that he thinks he doesn’t have to be faithful; he is going to cheat no matter what because driving is how he defines himself. Fidelity, honesty and all other relating concepts just are not in him. When he got married, he knew from the start that he was going to cheat. He never had any intentions of being faithful. He got married simply to have some stability between his various other relationships. Tiger Woods is an example of a driver. Unfortunately, there are a million others but I refuse to waste my keystrokes indentifying them… or recounting my personal affair(s) with them for your reading pleasure. They are so yesterday!

Root Cause: Why is the driver the way he is? Probably because his daddy was/is a driver. And his friends are drivers too. Remember my blog post about co-conspirators of cheating men? Add 'sons' to this list of unspoken co-conspirators. Think about it… fathers indoctrinate their sons to the whole concept of cheating by exposing them to their girlfriends even though they are still with/married to the child’s mother. I don’t think men realize how despicable that act is. That whole ordeal is such a confusing paradox for the child. This builds up contempt against his father for cheating on his mother, while forming some convoluted boys-club bond. But most importantly, this passes down the cheating disposition to an innocent boy. I’m willing to bet that Tiger Wood’s father cheated on his mother. And Tiger actually knew about it! And he kept his father’s confidence. And Tiger’s friends are probably cheats too! Golfers have groupies just like ball players. I bet many of Tiger’s golf buddies are drivers, just like him!

Advice to Women: First thing’s first… this ain’t about you. This is about your man. If your man is a driver, he is a driver. There ain’t nothing you can do about it. You can’t be a better woman; you can’t make yourself more sexually appealing; you can’t be a better mother or housekeeper. That is not going to keep him at home because it is not about you; it is about the driver and his ego. That's just who he is! So know this, if you stay with a driver and you value fidelity, you will be miserable! Period… pointblank. He is going to seem regretful and ashamed only long enough for you to settle down; to get you to stay with him. Then he will be back at it again. His primary goal is to wear you down until you don’t care anymore. Then he can have the faithful/stupid wife at home and his women in the street.

Ladies, one more thing you should know about the driver - he very well may stop driving one day but only when he gets tired of the course. So you can have a faithful husband in a driver. But that probably will come only after he has robbed you of your esteem and dignity. The question then becomes, what kind of a woman will you be after that?

Advice to Men: Grow your dumb ass up!

The Rescue Wood
Definition: In a set of golf clubs, the rescue wood is usually a little utilized, yet dependable club that can be used to get you out of a tight spot. It is often forgotten until you find yourself in a spot in which no other club will do. Only then do you go searching for your rescue wood. Sometimes, it has been so neglected that you find that you took it out of your bag and replaced it with a newer, sleeker hybrid. A man who is a rescue wood is one who has stepped outside of the marriage, but only did so painstakingly because he was ultimately cast aside, like the rescue wood. He wasn’t out hunting a new woman. His extra-marital relationship was more like a slow simmer than a hot, rolling boil.

Root Cause: The rescue wood man most likely has been neglected at home... taken for granted, much like the club in a golfer’s bag. He has tried everything to bring joy (and sex) back to his marriage but his wife isn’t responsive; she just doesn’t want to play anymore. She may be more interested about raising the children or her career than she is her husband; therefore, she has neglected his most basic emotional and physical needs. The rescue wood often complains of feeling unappreciated… like someone merely in the house rather than an actual part of the household. He complains that his wife just expects him to be there to pay the bills and clean up the yard. He may actually feel that she would be happier if he would just leave… but keep paying the bills and doing the chores, of course. In this case, the wife basically ran her husband to another woman.

Advice to Women: Extramarital relationships for rescue woods can be very dangerous because the relationships have a tendency to be more emotional than physical. These men fall in love with the women who are giving him the physical and emotional attention he feels he is not getting you. It is one thing when your man checks out on you physically, but when he checks out on you emotionally, you just need to give up. The best example of a rescue wood is Governor Mark Sanford. Governor Sanford is in love with that woman in Argentina and Jenny needs to go on about her business.

Advice to Men: I understand that your woman is acting a fool. I suggest severing your ties legally rather than having a relationship outside your marriage. Don’t let her or the situation turn you into a man you don’t want to be. You are far too good for that. And trust me, there are a ton of women just waiting for a man like you. Don’t believe me? When you get free, just let me know. I will have a list, sorted to your specifications, of women who have been waiting their whole lives for a man just like you!

The Putter
Definition: In golf, the only club that you MUST have on each hole is a putter. You can tee off with a driver or an iron. You can use a hybrid, fairway wood or iron in the fairway. But for the most part, you must use a putter on the green. Putters are heavily depended upon. A good putter and proper proficiency can get you out of tight spots when your approach was off. It can make a good golf day even better, especially when you've made it to the greens in two strokes and sunk a putt in one. That makes for a great day of golf. Putters come in all shapes and sizes. While some are pretty, others are interesting. And others are ugly and old-timey looking but extremely functional. But good putters help you to be steady, solid and focused. A good putter brings out the best in you. It gently corrects your wayward strokes. Thrusting it in the air demonstrates a celebration of your accomplishments. But more importantly than what the putter brings out in you, is the characteristics of a good putter itself. It steadies you when you squat down to read the greens. It serves as a guides as you check your line of putt. Just like a good putter, a good man is a God-send. He may not be the prettiest or most popular club in the bag, but the game just isn't the same without him.

Root Cause: The putter man is not a cheat; He was raised right. What I mean by that is he was raised by a man who didn’t cheat. His father led by example. Furthermore, he taught his son the value of women and the sanctity of marriage. Therefore, he just isn’t going to cheat because it isn’t in him to do so. He just ain’t that kind of men. Yes, he is tempted just like every other man. But he actually thinks about what it would do to his wife, family, career and life if he were to cheat... and even worse, get caught. He also thinks about what kind of man that would make him. Unlike other men who brag about their conquests, he thinks it is admirable that he has only had sex with his wife since they’ve been married. He isn’t impressed by the stories the boys have to tell. He may laugh, joke and wonder ‘what if’, but that’s as far as it goes. The driver lifestyle just isn’t for him. He just knows that he is a much better man than that.

A man can be a putter also if he was raised by a cheater but saw the havoc infidelity wreaked on his mother and the family. As a result, he vowed to NEVER cheat on his wife. And fortunately, he kept is word rather than repeating the pattern. Perfect example of a putter man: President Barack Obama.

Advice to Women: Cherish this man. You have a gem on your hand. Since this man is not predisposed to cheat, he’s not going to run off seeking a smiling face and opened legs simply because the two of you are going through a bad spell. He is in there for the long haul. But because no one is infallible, you can turn a putter into a rescue wood. But you’d have to be a special kind of fool to do that. Make sure that you are worthy of this man.

Advice to men: Thank you, thank you, thank you! You are constantly defying the odds, especially when statistics say that somewhere between 50 and 70 percent of people in marriages cheat. We thank you for being the man that you are. We thank you for being a true representation of what a real man is supposed to be. Please raise and correct your sons so they will be the same kind of man you are. Maybe then, we’ll have more solid and wise putter and less flighty and whimsical drivers. Edit