Mo'Nique: The Actress Who Can't Pretend
I watched the show with awe and familiarity. Mo'Nique's story is one that is shared by millions of girls and boys. The disturbing and sad story of the youngest and weakest being molested, touched, raped by someone they admire and look up to; the sad story of being crept up upon by someone with whom you share blood; the humiliating story of the perpetrator being allowed back into the family without being chastised or ostracized; the demeaning story of being forced to live as if nothing ever happened.
During the show, I was struck by something Mo'Nique's father kept questioning. He asked, "What happened?" He said he thought they had resumed life as a regular family. And now, out of nowhere, these old wounds were opened back up. I guess to him, it seemed that old family skeleton had found its way out of the closet. Mo'Nique's father was genuinely confused. He thought they had dealt with her abuse years ago… so where did all of this come from? Why now?
Well, Daddy Imes, I will tell you. The reason Mo'Nique is sharing her story now is because she doesn't have to pretend anymore. It's just that simple… she doesn't have to pretend that everything is ok. Mo'Nique feels comfortable and secure in herself and her life that she doesn't have to 'go along to get along'.
Why now, you ask Daddy Imes. Well, sir, not only does Mo'Nique feel she doesn't have to pretend anymore, she can't pretend anymore.
Mo'Nique said during her interview with Barbara Walters that after she had given birth to her twins, her brother visited them in the hospital. She explained the moment she decided that she couldn't pretend anymore. She said, "and he held one of the twins. And at that moment, I had a conversation with my brother. And we have not spoken since then." Like I said, not only doesn't Mo'Nique have to pretend anymore, she can't pretend anymore.
I know how Monique feels. I understand when you reach a point in your life that you feel you no longer have to pretend. When I was about 12 or 13, I was inappropriately touched by a male relative. He was not a boy a few years older than me; he was a grown ass man feeling me up… someone who knew better. This time, I will spare you the details of the repeated molestation but suffice it to say, while it was not to the extent of Mo'Nique's abuse, it was violation none the less.
Like Mo'Nique, I managed to put that unfortunate period of my life aside and moved on. To everyone looking at me, I was a well-adjusted teenager, young adult, woman. (In my eyes, I was super teenager, super young adult, super woman!) But then when it came to my sexual being, there were things I never allowed boyfriends, and later my husband, to do to me… things that were 'supposed' to be pleasurable. But to me, it felt like violation, like disgust. And I never knew why... until it all came crashing down on me in a book club meeting. During the discussion of a book about sexual abuse, everything suddenly became clear. It was an emotional revelation, but I later recognized it as a freeing revelation. So, that's why I didn't like this; that's why I couldn't stand to be touched there; that's why my husband couldn't do that to me. That's why. That revelation was freedom.
I recall going home back to
So you see, Daddy Imes, years may have passed and your family carried on as if nothing had ever happened. But when Mo'Nique became an adult and felt safe and secure in herself, she realized that she didn't have to pretend anymore. And the moment Gerald Imes picked up her child, she realized, she couldn't pretend anymore. Maybe you and the rest of the family should stop pretending too.
I remember the day of my revelation! When the truth came "crashing down on me," and I refused to pretend anymore--about anything. I was 33 years old and had just come back from lunch with my father who by the way had abandoned me and reappeared in my life when I was about 25 years old. Of course he had a good reason for not being there, but that is not the point. The point was that I was SICK of pretending to be a happy family for the sake of appearances. To date, my revelation and ownership of my grown ass woman-ness has driven a stake in "the family," because they don't understand why I just can't let it go and accept what happened. I mean, Daddy did say he was sorry, didn’t he? Was it really necessary to air ‘my’ feelings in my book? After 8 years of trying, I just couldn't do it anymore—couldn’t fake it. Like you said, I am a grown woman with a great son, making my dreams come true, a career, and the most amazing life I could've ever imagined for myself.
I don’t have the time or energy to pretend anymore. When I see you I am going to hug you for writing this post! It’s the truth! Delete Reply
Nakia: There are so many who share our story but are still pretending. Even Oprah pretended for a long time... even after she began "OPRAH". But hopefully, they will get the peace and freedom that comes along with giving up the pretence. Be well!
Corey: Tnanks for the post and for reading. Guess what... there are a lot of men who DO understand. This experience is not unique to women. Delete Reply
It was very HARD to watch the show without SCREAMING at the TV. The brother in the audience and his smug expressions were pissing me off. I REFUSE to believe that family doesn't understand what's going on. They are truly in DENIAL if they are going to sit on national TV acting like everything was just cool in the gang. GREAT job to Monique for REFUSING to stay silent about this. I am still wondering what the brother was finally charged for. It was mentioned he did jail time for an offense against another family member. MY GOODNESS how many more members have to suffer? GREAT POST!!!! Oh and by the way LOVE your blog :) Delete Reply